Scarves and Scars
by Carida Lantry
Summary: "Hey Eridan?" "Mm?" The tired troll answered. "What is it, Fes?" "Why do you always wear you scarf?" "We all have our limits, Fes, and I hit mine a long time ago."


Festri Skoren sat on the dream bubble beach with her matesprit Eridan Ampora. They had spent they day together, just the two of them. They had been swimming together most of the afternoon while the morning had been devoted to creating the large sand fort they were currently curled up in together. Festri had been shivering from the cold, so Eridan was sharing his warmth. Festri didn't ask for anything more from the timid troll. She had been flushed for Eridan since he saved Sunburst, her firebird lusus, from drowning. She was ready to commit to him. She knew this, but Eridan, he was more timid when it came to emotions. Having ones heart shattered over and over and over again can do that to a troll. Festri understood this, and was happy to go as slow as it took for him to trust her. After-all, they only had forever. So the rustblood lay in warm sand, curled into Eridan for warmth, and simply enjoying the fact he was there. It was so peaceful, looking up, and marveling at the stars that weren't really there, but you could still see. Only one question nagged at Festri's mind. It had been doing so since they had begun swimming after lunch. "Hey Eridan?"

"Mm?" The tired troll answered. "What is it, Fes?"

"Why do you always wear you scarf?" Eridan stiffened, surprised by the question, and Festri began babbling to explain herself.

"It's just, you never take it off, even swimming. Carida once told me that you can't let things get tangled around your neck swimming, or else you risk drowning. Yet you still keep it on, and I was just wondering…"

"Hush, Fes. It's okay. I suppose I should have expected the question to come up eventually." He fell silent and it was several moments before Festri picked up the nerve to speak again. She sat up.

"So, why?" Eridan sighed.

"If I show you, you promise not to tell anyone."

"I promise." Eridan paused. Then spoke quietly, fearfully.

"Promise not to leave me for it?" The question shocked Festri, but her response was immediate.

"Never." Eridan sighed again. Sitting up and never once looking at Festri, he slowly untied his scarf with trembling fingers. When he finally pulled it off, Festri could not hold in the gasp. Tears sprung to her eyes at the horrid sight. "Eridan… what… what happened?" The look he gives her next is the most heart wrenching thing she's ever seen. It was sad, but more than that. It was tired and scared and lost and broken and… empty. It was the face of someone who just lost his lusus or found out his matesprit killed herself. It was the face of a weary troll who had seen to much grief in life and knew he would see much more. It was the face of someone who had no more tears to cry. When he spoke, his voice rose barely over a whisper.

"We all have our limits, Fes, and I hit mine a long time ago." He pulled off his shirt, showing her the extent of the damage. Her tears spilled over as she ran her fingers gently over countless silver scars.

Sweeps in the past,

But not that many, a two an a half sweep old Eridan is talking to his lusus. "Skyhorse, is there something wrong with me?' Skyhorse is shocked by such a heavy question from such an innocent child. He bends his scaled muzzle to the child and whines a soft but confident 'no' in his ear. Eridan isn't so sure. "Then why doesn't anyone like me? Why do landwellers avoid me? Why do other sea dwellers make fun of me for not living in the water? Why do my gills sting when I go swimming? Why is it a struggle for me to breathe in the salt water? Why am I different?" Skyhorse is stunned by how observant his son is. He hadn't realized how much the young one noticed, how much he took note of. The stun wore off into pride. He had such a brilliant boy who would grow into a brilliant troll. 'You're special, son. Do not be ashamed of this. You are extremely smart and talented. Someday, you'll grow up and you will be known throughout galaxies. They will fear you, they will respect you. You will be great. You will be Eridan Ampora: a prince.' The boy looked at Skyhorse, yet his eyes held no life. It looked like he had given up. "I don't want to be special. I don't want to be great. I want to be normal. I want to have friends. I want to be liked, not feared or respected. I want to be normal, so maybe others will care." The boy was crying by this point and Skyhorse wrapped his tail comfortingly around his waist. "I don't want to be alone anymore, Skyhorse. I'm tired of being alone." Skyhorse was sad, his precious son wasn't even three yet, but he has known such pains as these. He was up late into the night comforting the child who, eventually, fell asleep wrapped in his tail.

Half a sweep later finds Eridan celebrating his third wriggling day and, though he invited them, no one had shown up. Skyhorse had gone out for a bit, he left while his son was sleeping to get his son's cake and new computer for a present, not that Eridan knew this. He just knew Skyhorse was gone and he was alone. He didn't want to be alone. The boy spoke softly to the ears that wouldn't listen. "Is there something wrong with me? There must be. No one likes me. I invite them to a party, with free food and cake, and no one shows up. Would it really have been so hard to just show up? Am I really so alone? Skyhorse isn't here, he was gone when I woke up. I am alone. So why am I here. What purpose could I have. That's just it, though. I have no purpose. No one needs me. No one wants me. No one likes me. I don't like me. So why? Why? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY!" Eridan screamed the question, but no one answered. He broke down sobbing and some small part of his brain told him. 'No reason. There is no reason. No purpose to this painful life.' Eridan spoke back to the quiet voice. "Why_?_" 'There is no point, no greater goal you are working towards. You don't need this life. You don't want this life. So end it. Make it go away.' The question was barely whispered this time. "Why?" 'Why not.' Eridan could not answer the small part of his mind. There was no logic to use against it. So he picked himself up off the floor and walked straight into the kitchen. Opening a drawer, he pulled out the sharpest knife he could find and pulled it up to his exposed neck. In the same moment he drug the blade across his jugular, wincing at the pain, Skyhorse came home.

Sweeps in the future

Which is to sat the present time. "Skyhorse saved me. He saved me the first time and the second and the fifth and the twelfth, he always saved me and I got tired of failing, tired of the pain it took to heal, so I stopped. I just quit caring. Then Vriska came along and she was looking for a partner in crime. She wanted me to help her kill. I was so desperate for a friend, I did anything she wanted. But I didn't want it. I never wanted to kill anyone. Ever. But I did, because I needed Vriska to stay, I needed a friend. Then Feferi found me and she misunderstood why I stuck with Vriska. She thought I wanted to kill, so she made it my job. I had to kill beautiful lusi, I had to orphan innocent trolls, but I did it. Vriska was starting to look towards kismesistude and I needed something at least pale. I needed someone who would care about me other than Skyhorse. So I pretended my goal was genocide to keep Fef around and I fed her lusus for her. And I hated it. I didn't want to hurt people like that. But I did it for them. Then they left anyway. Fef started to hate me for what was nothing but an act. I never really hated Vris, I couldn't give her real blackrom, and she interpreted it as me being an unworthy rival. She stopped roleplaying after the incident with Tav, so she didn't need a partner either. They all left and I was alone again.

Fef had turned me down when I picked up the courage to tell her I was flushed for her. She chose Sol instead. She chose him and it made me mad cause he had her and Aradia and Karkat and Gog knows who else, but I was alone. In a fit of anger, I did what I had trained myself to do, I killed. I killed Fef, I almost killed Sol and Kan, and I destroyed the matriorb. I basically killed a whole race, my own race, because I taught myself to kill to keep people around." Eridan had lost himself in his thoughts, but came back when Festri stroked his face, wiping tears away. He looked at her, eyes haunted. "Please don't think less of me. I'm not weak. But we all have our limits. The more pain we go through, the higher our limits become. We've all been through a lot, but this game, what I've done, on top of everything else." Eridan sighed, laying back down in the sand. "I've hit my limit Fes, not only that, I broke my limit. I have no limit anymore. The smallest things can break me, cause we all have our limits, an I hit mine a long time ago.


End file.
